Debut post...

So first post of the new blog- been a bit overdue I guess considering I created the blog a few days ago. And the reason for that I suppose is that the first post will explain the name of the blog. And I don't want to explain the name of the blog because, quite frankly, the explanation is something I honestly think I'm still in denial about. But what's the sense in a blog without posts, so here it goes...

An Unwanted New Beginning...
This past Wednesday morning, I was at Jill's house. We had just woke up and were laying there- and I could tell there was something on her mind. I asked- "Whatcha thinkin about?", and I haven't yet recovered from the answer. In a nutshell, the answer was that she just hasn't been as happy recently as she used to be and doesn't want to keep stringing me along. (* I will subtext that summary by saying that honestly, that whole morning is kind of a blur in my memory. But that's what I've got)

And so, after about 4 and a half years, I find myself at a new beginning that is very... very, unwanted. We talked, we cried, I asked what I did wrong and she said nothing. While I haven't been able to bring myself to completely accept that, I try to take that as perhaps there is something she needs to work through- and I hope, with every fiber of my being, that when she does we will find each other again. If that is the case, I wish we could've tried to work through whatever it is together. If that's not the case- well that's the scenario I've been unable to accept. Despite the days that have passed- I still don't think I've been able to come to terms with the fact that we're not together anymore. I can't remember the last time that I thought about the future and didn't include her in those thoughts. And so now, I just find myself incapable of considering things without her by my side. Perhaps its one of those self preservation things the mind does- because when the reality does somewhat sink in from time to time, it's just devastating.

I'm not going to go on and on about this, because A) I'm annoying myself right now by writing this whiney, oh woe is me post, and B) I realize that what I'm saying is what just about every person who's coming off of a long-term serious relationship feels. But I wanted to say it as a means to inform those of you who may not have known, and also just to say it- as I have a tendency to just internalize this type of stuff and self-destruct for awhile.

Of course I miss her horribly- not an hour has yet gone by that I'm not at some point overwhelmed with the reality that I've lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. I still love her completely, and really do pray with every heartbeat that we'll come together again on the other side of this, stronger than ever. But I suppose things are slowly starting to get a little better (or I'm slipping a little further into the denial). What must be said is that through this- a fact has been reaffirmed that I've always known but will once again say- that I have one hell of an amazing circle of friends who have, on some level or another, been there for me... and I appreciate it more than I can hope to say!


So there- it's said, and perhaps its one more step closer to getting through this. I apologize again for the long, "emo" type post- but yet, this is my blog... so deal. The intended purpose of this blog is to be a place to throw out my random thoughts from time to time, and to journal life's current happenings. So with that in mind, I can almost be sure than many of these next posts will be along the lines of this one. If you care to follow along- I welcome you. If you're sick of this already- I don't think I could blame you. But it is what it is