yea...

“I see our fate; I see our past
And all the things that could not last
Its heavy on these eyes, frozen as I hold this photograph.
Its all were left that’s of any worth
And its so much more than a thousand words
Now in this frame is our only way we can endure.

I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph were safe

All I hear in my head
Are all the words I wish I’d said
Sentimental thoughts are overwhelming me again.
As I stare through a lens of tears
At what remains of those fallen years
Now in this frame memories are held to persevere.

I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph well stay
I pictured you and me always
And in this photograph were safe.

Coping with this loss has broken me.
I’m just hoping things are all as they should be.
I pictured you and me, you and me
I pictured”

-MuteMath

I guess I'll say it...

Merry Christmas everyone!! I'll be honest- that phrase has occasionally grated on my nerves the past week and I have to fight back the urge to ask what's merry about it. But then I remember how stupid I'm being and plaster on the smile and wish them a Merry Christmas right back.

This Christmas morning was entertaining cuz I knew it was driving my mom kind of crazy. Why? Well she's all about having stuff to open on Christmas morning... but I had already gotten two of the main gifts from my parents (the external hard drive and a new Columbia winter coat) before today because I needed to pick them out- so she was only left with some smaller items to give me. Hehe.

Killing off some time, but it's about time to head up to my aunt and uncles for a bigger family gathering. Always fun times hanging with the family and beatin' all the kids in pool. Hehe- hope everyone's day is Christmas-tacular!!

Tis the season

So I can't believe I'm saying it- but are the holidays over yet? Normally I'm all about Christmas- known to break out the Christmas music at any point of the year, get all into the holiday spirit, etc. But this year- between the current personal events and getting to experience the lead-up to the holiday season at a cash register in Wal-Mart- I actually find myself just waiting for it to all be over.

Today especially sucked, and again it was the aforementioned combo. Rewinding a little further- last night was lots of fun. Visited Nanners and Kay and enjoyed just hanging out, watching some TV and concocting some tasty drinks. Crashed there for the night and then this morning made the first mistake of the day- I woke up. The thought I woke up to was that its been a week (almost to the minute at that point) since I've found myself involuntarily single, and that affected me more than what I thought it would've. So needless to say- I started the day in a miserable mood, and work today did absolutely nothing to improve it. Store was packed all day, and it was 8.5 hours of dealing with grouchy holiday shoppers and uber-cheerful holiday shoppers (and in today's mood- I'm not sure which was worse).

So it's not that I'm pulling a Scrooge kind of "Bah Humbug" sort of thing this year, it's more that I've just become weary of a holiday season where I'm not feeling all that cheerful. Sorry Christmas, how about a re-do next year?

"Hope it snows this week,
A snow flake on your cheek
Would make this Christmas so beautiful
But that would just bring the pain
Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful

I look under the tree
But there’s nothing to see
Cause it’s a broken heart that you’re giving me"

I guess it balances out to meh

Sooooo my day was both a success and a failure. Referring to the previous post- steps 1-5 resulted in success, but due to how long it took, also resulted in a fail on steps 6-8. We got a decent jump on the day and the trip to Maryland, and by a little after 11 am had posted on Facebook that the laptop lives. Silly me did not think about the fact that this would jinx the whole process. It did indeed live, but only in the sense that Windows started for the first time in two weeks. But the process of restoring registry files in order to do that left most of the applications on my computer in some state of jumbled- so we figured the best course would be go pick up an external hard drive, save whatever I wanted, reformat and start anew. After two years of heavy usage- I had managed to fill up most of the 160 GB hard drive with music, videos, and a crapload of random applications... so this sounded doubly functional.

So it was off to Best Buy to pick up an early Christmas present (an external HD was on my list anyway)- which ended up being a 1.5 terrabyte drive. Needless to say, I still have not gotten over the fact that in this little 7.82" x 4.75" x 1.22" box that weighs barely over 2 pounds- there is 1.5 freakin TB packed inside!! Anyway- it was back to my Uncles where the copying process began. This is where things started going downhill. Til it was all said and done- there was 100 GB of stuff I needed saved, so of course that took some time to transfer over. Then once that was done, reformatting the laptops HD took some time. And once that was done- it was just the simple matter of reinstalling Windows... which of course fought us on a few points. So as I said, when it was all said and done- the laptop is now pretty much fully back and just like new- empty and a fresh install of Windows. And I got copies of two nifty discs with tons of recovery tools on them. But at the same time it was already way too late to make the 2 hour drive home, and then the 1.5 hour drive to Nanner's and make it there with any kind of decent hang out time. So I'm happy to have my laptop back- and quite bummed I missed hanging out 2nite. I did, however, really enjoy geeking out with my Uncle for most of the day and sharing music and Youtube videos (coming in a bit) and stuff.

So now plans for tomorrow are, doing some shopping with my mom during the day, and then in the evening trying for some redemption in the visiting of Nanners. *crosses fingers* And now, neat stuff from the day....

Zagg- Clear or designer skins for all kinds of devices, made from a material that was originally made to protect military helicopter rotor blades

nothing really- just feel the need to post

Plans for tomorrow:

1. Wake up
2. Drive to Maryland
3. Visit Uncle
4. Bring laptop back to life
5. Drive home
6. Drive to Exton
7. Hang with Nanners
8. Drive home/Crash there (playing that one by ear)

So yea, lots of driving- but I'm alright with that. My trusty iPod will be along for the ride. Which reminds me- time to see if there's anything good that's come out recently to throw on there for the trips...

Debut post...

So first post of the new blog- been a bit overdue I guess considering I created the blog a few days ago. And the reason for that I suppose is that the first post will explain the name of the blog. And I don't want to explain the name of the blog because, quite frankly, the explanation is something I honestly think I'm still in denial about. But what's the sense in a blog without posts, so here it goes...

An Unwanted New Beginning...
This past Wednesday morning, I was at Jill's house. We had just woke up and were laying there- and I could tell there was something on her mind. I asked- "Whatcha thinkin about?", and I haven't yet recovered from the answer. In a nutshell, the answer was that she just hasn't been as happy recently as she used to be and doesn't want to keep stringing me along. (* I will subtext that summary by saying that honestly, that whole morning is kind of a blur in my memory. But that's what I've got)

And so, after about 4 and a half years, I find myself at a new beginning that is very... very, unwanted. We talked, we cried, I asked what I did wrong and she said nothing. While I haven't been able to bring myself to completely accept that, I try to take that as perhaps there is something she needs to work through- and I hope, with every fiber of my being, that when she does we will find each other again. If that is the case, I wish we could've tried to work through whatever it is together. If that's not the case- well that's the scenario I've been unable to accept. Despite the days that have passed- I still don't think I've been able to come to terms with the fact that we're not together anymore. I can't remember the last time that I thought about the future and didn't include her in those thoughts. And so now, I just find myself incapable of considering things without her by my side. Perhaps its one of those self preservation things the mind does- because when the reality does somewhat sink in from time to time, it's just devastating.

I'm not going to go on and on about this, because A) I'm annoying myself right now by writing this whiney, oh woe is me post, and B) I realize that what I'm saying is what just about every person who's coming off of a long-term serious relationship feels. But I wanted to say it as a means to inform those of you who may not have known, and also just to say it- as I have a tendency to just internalize this type of stuff and self-destruct for awhile.

Of course I miss her horribly- not an hour has yet gone by that I'm not at some point overwhelmed with the reality that I've lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. I still love her completely, and really do pray with every heartbeat that we'll come together again on the other side of this, stronger than ever. But I suppose things are slowly starting to get a little better (or I'm slipping a little further into the denial). What must be said is that through this- a fact has been reaffirmed that I've always known but will once again say- that I have one hell of an amazing circle of friends who have, on some level or another, been there for me... and I appreciate it more than I can hope to say!


So there- it's said, and perhaps its one more step closer to getting through this. I apologize again for the long, "emo" type post- but yet, this is my blog... so deal. The intended purpose of this blog is to be a place to throw out my random thoughts from time to time, and to journal life's current happenings. So with that in mind, I can almost be sure than many of these next posts will be along the lines of this one. If you care to follow along- I welcome you. If you're sick of this already- I don't think I could blame you. But it is what it is